Posted October 12, 2008

In these tough economic times, all Americans are asking the same questions. What about my 401(k) plan? How do I find a bank that's safe? What do I do if I lose my job?

These are scary questions, but thankfully I am not going to discuss any of them, especially losing your job. As a writer, I know nothing about work, except what I see in the movies, which is where I usually am when I'm supposed to be working.

What I do know, however, is that when you need money for some of life's emergencies, such as a gas-fired, triple-deck, stainless steel barbecue/smoker with automatic temperature control, you should first turn to your elected representatives in Washington. (Important: If you cannot find them in Washington try a golf course in Scotland or, quite possibly, a coastal villa in a Mediterranean country near a farm that raises golf courses.)

Because if there is one thing our elected representatives were elected to do, it is to spend money.

Especially on scientific research.

This is an American tradition dating back hundreds of years to Benjamin Franklin who, when he discovered electricity, went to his fellow townspeople and said, "We have got to form a government so the next time I risk my life I will get millions of dollars for it. But first, I will invent dollars."

One question you may have is can I, an ordinary taxpayer, qualify for some of this money?

The simple answer is, "Of course not." Not just anyone can get scientific research money. You have to have an idea.

And not some silly idea, like inventing text messages so that children can talk back to their parents by typing things like OMG UR A PITA into their cell phones and suddenly your pants pocket begins vibrating in the middle of a business meeting. (Important: In text messages, "PITA" has nothing to do with Mediterranean cusine.)

I'm talking about ideas crucial to human survival, such as investigating the mating habits of Alaskan crabs. You may think this is frivolous, but if you wake up in bed one morning next to an over-sexed Alaskan crab, this research report is the first thing you will want to reach for, if only to pound the crab over its head until you can safely lock yourself in the pantry.

(You may also want to consider keeping a copy of the research report "The Anatomical Geography of the Alaskan Crab Exoskeleton" handy so you can aim straight for the head on your first swing.)

Also, you have to have an idea that gets people talking.

For example, suppose an elected representative comes across two research proposals.

The first one is for a study of the differences in shopping preferences between men and women. This is a topic sure to produce much in the way of useful, although very controversial, debate.

MAN: Do you know every time women go into a store they buy something, whether they need it or not?

WOMAN: Where did you get that idea?

MAN: From scientific research funded by our elected representatives.

WOMAN: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha...

MAN: Stop it.

WOMAN: ... ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha....

The other proposal is for a study of the accuracy of fairy tales. Spending money on this research is equally controversial. No matter, this is the one that will be funded because, and this applies to most areas in the United States, fairy tales can't vote.

By the way, if you are one of our fine elected representatives, it might interest you to know that I have discovered, after some careful research, that one of our most popular fairy tales, "Goldilocks and The Three Bears," was written by a London poet who, and I have this on very good authority, knew nothing about bears. (Had this poet stuck to his area of expertise he would have given the world "Goldilocks and The Three Really Foggy, Damp, Cold, Miserable Days.") This is completely obvious from the behavior of bears as portrayed in the story.

I, on the other hand, have preliminary research describing how the bears in the fairy tale should behave, which is based on watching bears at the zoo, watching bear sighting videos on YouTube and watching people at the mall. (Answer: For the obvious reason. There are no bears at the mall.)

Situation 1: Papa bear is given a choice of three bowls of porridge. One is too hot. One is too cold. The other is just right. Papa bear, wanting hot dogs, chooses none of the above and leaves.

Mama bear is given the choice of three bowls of porridge. One is too hot. One is too cold. The other is just right. She chooses the one on sale.

Situation 2: Papa bear is shown three beds. One is too big. One is too small. The other is just right. He picks the big bed. Freud would have something to say about this, but he is busy in another research project.

Mama bear is shown three beds. One is too big. One is too small. The other is just right. She walks around the beds and inspects them. Then, she walks around the beds again. And again. And again. She does not make a decision. Eventually, it will be triple points day. That might help.

Situation 3: Papa bear is shown three chairs. One is too big. One is too small. The other is just right. He chooses none of them. He did not come in for chairs.

Mama bear is shown three chairs. One is too big. One is too small. The other is just right. She chooses none of them, but does leave with shoes, a skirt and a matching top.

As one of our fine elected representatives, you can see how valuable it would be to have your name attached to a scientific study such as this.

Which I will do if you send me a check for $3 million. (Unfortunately, I am not able to extend credit at this time.)

Or bring it around to the house and stay for dinner.

We'll barbecue pork.

©2008 Jay Douglas