Posted December 21, 2008

During this Christmas season, I can only hope that good people everywhere see that it is time to put aside their differences, forget about world domination, forgive past wrongs and concentrate instead on the one issue that most signifies the spirit of the season: when we are together next year at this time, will we rise as one people and decorate our Christmas trees or our holiday trees?

It's the kind of fight that pits neighbor against neighbor, brother against sister, and Keith Olbermann against Bill O'Reilly, the latter raising the question of whether there will ever be peace in our prime time.

Before things get any uglier, I think we, the people, have a responsibility to do what we've always done in times of conflict. Let the government work it out. But right now, Congress is busy with a major decision of its own: whether to book Christmas vacation travel on Expedia (Slogan: We're Cheaper than the Other Guys) or Travelocity (Slogan: We're Cheaper than the Other Guys). So while our august debating body is busy debating their travel, possibly into August, I'm proud, as an American citizen, to offer these tips for resolving our other national issue.

1. Drop both Christmas and holiday and rename the tree with a neutral word. Like pine. People with spruce trees will complain, but there aren't many of these, and the data show most don't vote.

2. Move Thanksgiving to the day before Christmas. That will reduce the amount of time we talk about trees up in the first place.

3. To be on the safe side, move Halloween to the same day as Thanksgiving. See item 2.

4. In fact, move any holiday celebrated with turkey, ham or people flying about on inanimate objects to the day before Christmas.

5. Move Christmas to the middle of September, so any question about trees will be lost in the betting on whether Boston will make the playoffs.

6. Move Christmas to the first Tuesday after the first Monday in November, and the winner of the election gets to decide the tree's name.

7. Rename Christmas trees holiday trees, and menorahs holiday candle sticks.

8. Agree that the idea of Christmas as a religious holiday has long since left the dock. Christmas is big business, and as a business, trees should be named by Donald Trump.

And there's no need to stop at trees. Retail stores should not require their cashiers to say either "Merry Christmas" or "Happy holidays," but instead a simple "Thanks for the money."

So let's all write our elected representatives and ask them to take a fair and impartial look at the situation and do what they've always done. Better yet, ask them to come together and solve the problem. Before Easter. When they'll have to start work on the holiday bunny.

©2008 Jay Douglas. All Rights Reserved.