Posted December 14, 2008

With businesses and non-profit organizations cutting back on their holiday party guest lists, now more than ever it is important that you pay attention to your holiday party etiquette. I'm not talking about making out with a lampshade. This is usually considered charming (unless it is the boss's lampshade). I'm talking about how well you follow THE RULES.

To make sure you do not spend your holiday season home alone or, worse, home alone watching a Knicks game, I am printing frequently asked questions about proper holiday party behavior.

More importantly, I am also printing the answers.

Q: What is proper behavior in a buffet line?

A1: Do not go to the head of the line to see "what's for dinner" then forget to leave. The people already in line are just as hungry as you are. The only difference is they have better manners, which include not accidentally overturning the cows lips a l'orange on your Christmas plaid blazer. (Good news: The extra colors will go mostly unnoticed.) Do not be surprised, however, if you return to your car and find it blocked by bags of reindeer poop.

A2: Don't walk into the middle of the line and ask, "Is this the end?" You are not fooling anybody with your wide-eyed innocence. If nobody puts you in your place (i.e., the real end of the line) it is only because there is plenty of reindeer poop to go around.

A3: If you are a vegetarian, or have allergies, do not pile your plate high with mash-up of everything on the buffet table and only then ask the young serving assistant, "What's in this?" In a perfect world, he or she would answer, "Wheat, corn, soy, dairy, nuts and cat dander" (or if you are a vegetarian, "Chicken, but only a little") and then fix you a lump of coal. In the real world, he or she will offer you a plate of vegetables and greens. Take it. It is more than you deserve.

A4: Do not lean across the person in front of you to pick up plates, silverware, salad, etc. as if, by doing so, you will get through the line faster. Even though the holidays are the most magical time of the year, the laws of physics still apply.

Q: Is it appropriate for me to make up an extra plates of food for friends back at the table?

A: Your place in line entitles you to pick up food for one person. Most people will not object if you also pick up food for a companion, provided that companion is present at the party and not at home watching the end of a Knicks game. You may pick up food for more than two people only if you travel with your own mop and cleanser (and then only with the permission of everyone in line behind you).

Q: If I come upon a table and the only vacant seats leaning against it, what should I do?

A: Promise yourself to arrive earlier next year and find another place to sit. Do not ask if the seats are reserved and then, when told "Yes," ask someone else if the seats are reserved.

Q: When newcomers sit down, is it proper to introduce them to the rest of the table?

A: Yes, as long as you recognize this will make you the center of attention for the rest of the meal. If you have any unusual personal habits, such as bending way over when you eat so it is hard to tell whether your lips are part of the entree, or you like to end a hearty meal by picking food out of your teeth with your index finger, think about letting your wife handle the introductions.

Q: Is it appropriate to ask the person next to me what he or she does for a living?

A: Showing interest in your fellow human being is always appropriate, as long as you are sincerely interested in the answer and you are not using the question to show some poor soul that you are a candidate for reindeer poop.

YOU: And what do you do?

POOR SOUL: I'm in...

YOU: Well, that's great. I'm the number one snorkeler life insurance salesman for the twelve western states. Say, with a nose like that you must be into snorkeling. I just happen to have a policy with me.

Q: What is the proper way to act at a sundae bar?

A: When it is your turn, walk confidently to the bar, assemble your sundae, and walk quickly away. Don't ooo and ahh about all the choices and then announce you have no idea what to choose. If you really don't know, walk to the end of the line and think about it. Better yet, line up for ready-made desserts. Especially do not stand over the bar and name all the toppings as if talking to an imaginary friend (unless you are Jimmy Stewart).

Q: Can I take a picture with Santa?

A: Yes, if you follow Santa's directions. This is especially important if you are no longer legally required to ride in a car seat. Like normal people, this is just a gig for Santa and he doesn't want to go home wearing a truss. And, although he may be too polite to mention it, don't sit facing Santa. Especially if he asks you to.

Q: When I hear dance music, I just can't help myself. What should I do?

A: If you can't dance, don't try, no matter how drunk you are. Or think we are.

Q: So following these rules will get me invited to next year's party?

A: Let's just say you can walk to your car without watching where you step.

©2008 Jay Douglas