Posted August 10, 2008

Wherever people gather, there is much talk about the popular business practice of outsourcing. This is particularly true when people gather at the unemployment office. These people are in the best position to put the concept of outsourcing into very simple words which, on the radio, could only come out of the mouth of Howard Stern.

To help those readers who might unwittingly be targets of outsourcing, because, for example, they are reading this essay on company time, I've decided to compile a list of frequently asked questions---or FAQs---about outsourcing.

Q: How is outsourcing done?

A: Outsourcing is the business practice of using contractors to do the work formerly done employees of a business.

Q: What are contractors?

A: Contractors are companies that do the work formerly done by you. They have their own employees who work for half of what you do.

Q: Then my ex-employer gets the same work for half the money.

A: Not exactly. The contractor must add a management fee to its employees' salaries.

Q: What is a management fee?

A: It's the difference between what a contractor charges your ex-boss and what the contractor pays to its employees.

Q: That sounds familiar.

A: It's called profit.

Q: Does it have another name?

A: Yes. Big profit.

Q: So what's the advantage to my ex-employer?

A: He saves money.

Q: By paying for the contractor's big profits?

A: Yes. Can we move on to something else?

Q: Don't I get to ask the questions?

A: Sorry.

Q: How does outsourcing work?

A: Simply put, outsourcing takes jobs from people who need them, like you, and gives the jobs to people who already have them, like contractors.

Q: Is that fair?

A: It's better than outshoring.

Q: What is outshoring?

A: Outshoring sends your job to someone who does not speak English.

Q: My job goes to Brooklyn?

A: Only for refueling. Then it continues flying to India.

Q: What is the difference between outsourcing and outshoring?

A: Millions of dollars in corporate taxes.

Q: Once my job is outshored, will I ever get it back?

A: There is a chance. Can you say "Bangladesh?"

Q: I would have to move to India?

A: Yes. But you would only get one-tenth the salary you used to make.

Q: Are there any other disadvantages?

A: You cannot keep your cell phone number.

Q: Is outsourcing new?

A: Outsourcing follows a long line of corporate tradition. In the sixties, corporations merged. People lost their jobs so the company would be more profitable as a lean, machine. With the increased profits, companies paid off the cost of the merger. In the eighties, companies acquired other companies. People lost their jobs so the company would be more profitable as a lean, machine. With the increased profits, companies paid off the cost of the acquisition. Now, there is outsourcing. People lose their jobs so the company will be more profitable as a lean machine. With the increased profits, companies pay off the cost of the lobbyists who got them tax breaks.

Q: That sounds awful. Is there anything I can do to help?

A: Only buy products that are 100% made in America by Americans.

Q: What are some examples?

A: Pennies, nickels, dimes, quarters and paper money.

Q: That's it?

A: And the Sacagawea dollar coin.

Q: Do contractors' employees do the work better than I could?

A: It depends.

Q: On what?

A: How well you train your replacement.

Q: What happens if I don't want to train my replacement?

A: They take back your 25-year pin.

Q: Where did something this dumb come from?

A: Economists.

Q: I meant this essay.

A: Can you say "Bangladesh?"

©2008 Jay Douglas