Posted August 24, 2008

Once again, there are signs our civilization is coming to an end.

No, I'm not talking about twelve-year-old couples dancing "The Grind." Let those among us whose Uncle Harry didn't dislocate his fourth vertebra snaking under a limbo bar tell other people how to dance.

I'm talking about what's happened since public schools across this great land eliminated classes in art history, drama and music appreciation.

"Hah," you may say. Today's students can get all the art history they need from "The Da Vinci Code." As for nail-biting drama, who can ignore the debt of gratitude we owe to reality TV?

But without a proper education on the subtle differences between Mozart and, say, the Dixie Chicks, the youth of our country are reaching maturity totally unequipped to recognize when their cell phones are ringing. And this lack of musical sophistication is the greatest threat to our collective intelligence since the invention of the sugar rush.

I have seen this myself in coffee shops all across America. It is here that the sounds of musical ring tones go unanswered, leaving the room filled with the contrapuntal harmony of forty-seven different musical selections, from Eminem to the Beer Barrel Polka, all arranged for doorbell and kazoo.

Having spent $1.49 for an unforgettable ring tone, the only thing left for our young people to do is spend another $1.49 for one they may recognize for the next forty-five minutes.

I remember the days when coffee shops were places for civilized conversation, where, speaking in hushed tones, people pondered weighty issues such as, "Do you get more espresso in a Venti latte, or just more steamed milk?"

Stripped of this opportunity for meditation and thoughtful discussion, is it any wonder that our future leaders demonstrate the same level of intellectual curiosity as a page on MySpace.com?

Yet this is the the sort of problem a music appreciation class can address.

A good education would teach our youth that there are better uses for music than telling us we had an urgent text message from someone standing urgently across the room.

Instead, our country's most precious resource would become the envy of the cell-phone universe because of their unrivaled ability for elevated musicology discussions.

Cell phone: ta dum dum dee ta dum dum dee.

"Isn't that the new single by the Whoopie Poos?"

"Yes."

"On your phone?"

"No. My musical ring tone tastes don't tend toward the techno-pop philistine. I much prefer the complex structure of the T-Mobile jingle."

Isn't this the kind of world we all hope to see in our lifetime?

Articulate. Knowledgeable. Quiet.

Surely this is worth kicking in a few extra tax dollars each year for music teacher salaries. If you don't want to do it for yourself, do it for your children. And, if not for your children, do it for me.

Before I hit some text-messaging, coffee-drinking philistine over the head with a doorbell and kazoo.

©2008 Jay Douglas