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The American Way of Dining

Posted January 4, 2009

With our economy in turmoil and the value of the dollar falling (or rising, I'm not sure which but it is moving in a direction that seems to be very bad for everyone except those who know the difference between falling and rising), there are reports that more tourists will be visiting our country. This is because their money goes further, which means they are able to buy things here more cheaply than at home. Of course, half the things they buy here are things they would never buy at home, but the point is they can have them, even if they don't want them, for a steal. (Read more...)

Should Auld Acquaintance Be Forgot Or Just Our Resolutions

Posted December 28, 2008

Once again, as we prepare to ring in the New Year, it is time to gather with friends, lift glasses of good cheer and celebrate a tradition that binds us all together. Pretending we know the words to Auld Lang Syne. After which we celebrate that second great holiday tradition, breaking our New Year's resolutions. (Read more...)

We Can't Say Gay Apparel, Either

Posted December 21, 2008

During this Christmas season, I can only hope that good people everywhere see that it is time to put aside their differences, forget about world domination, forgive past wrongs and concentrate instead on the one issue that most signifies the spirit of the season: when we are together next year at this time, will we rise as one people and decorate our Christmas trees or our holiday trees? (Read more...)

Jay's Guide to Holiday Party Behavior

Posted December 14, 2008

With businesses and non-profit organizations cutting back on their holiday party guest lists, now more than ever it is important that you pay attention to your holiday party etiquette. I'm not talking about making out with a lampshade. This is usually considered charming (unless it is the boss's lampshade). I'm talking about how well you follow THE RULES. (Read more...)

A Googling We Will Go

Posted December 7, 2008

First let me say that kids today have no idea how easy they have things. Back in my day, for example, one of the things that drove me crazy was my grandfather saying, "Back in my day..." at the beginning of every sentence. I would have told him to knock it off, but my parents taught me to respect my elders. I also needed the quarters he pulled from my ear. If I could have figured out how to get them myself, I would have sent grandpa packing. (Read more...)

Before We Can Deck the Halls We Have to Build the Walls

Posted November 30, 2008

Thanksgiving is over and, as I look back on our house, full of family and friends raising their glasses in joyful merriment, I am overcome by a feeling I've had so many times before. Never again. (Read more...)

How Not to Write an Essay

Posted November 23, 2008

At the request of many readers, I have been searching for a way to make these essays more interesting. There are many ways to do this, however most of them require my actually sitting down and working on each essay. It's not that I have anything against work, it's just that I became a writer to avoid it, and it seems a shame to give all that up just to earn a living. (Read more...)

Standing Up for Equality

Posted November 16, 2008

Today I would like to talk about sex. No, the other kind, as in the equality of the sexes. Because when it comes to the sexes, nothing is more important than treating women the same as men. This has been amply demonstrated by the New York City subway system, where for nearly a century, men and women have ridden as equals boldly standing shoulder to shoulder. Especially during rush hour. (Read more...)

Guilt Dot Com

Posted November 9, 2008

There are three things my mother believes. Geraldo is a journalist. Martha Stewart does her own cooking. And all her friends' children are the vice-presidents of large corporations. Not a vice president of a corporation, mind you. THE vice president. It doesn't make any difference that were this true there would be nobody in the country working for minimum wage. (Read more...)

A Time for Renewal

Posted November 2, 2008

In these historic times, let us take a moment to reflect on what makes the American way of life possible which, as any school child knows, is text messaging. No, I'm only kidding. It is our Constitution. The Constitution establishes our government and without our government we, the people, would be responsible for doing some pretty disgusting jobs. (Read more...)

Where Service is the Order of the Day

Posted October 26, 2008

One thing I hear almost every day is that customer service is a thing of the past. Walk into a department store, one such complaint goes, and you'll find the salespeople spending much of their time talking and doing their nails. And when I say this I'm including the women. (Read more...)

We Can't Go Out Tonight, We Have Guests Flying in For Dinner

Posted October 19, 2008

This is the time of year when Southern Californians awake each morning, look out the window and say, "Blaphfurgle." This is because we are excited, having spent the entire summer waiting for the tourists to leave our mountains and beaches. Now it's our turn to spend the fall months there before December sets in and we have to face those awful, partly cloudy winter days when the thermometer rarely gets above 75. (Read more...)

Knowledge is Power, Not to Mention a Potential Income

Posted October 12, 2008

In these tough economic times, all Americans are asking the same questions. What about my 401(k) plan? How do I find a bank that's safe? What do I do if I lose my job? These are scary questions, but thankfully I am not going to discuss any of them, especially losing your job. As a writer, I know nothing about work, except what I see in the movies, which is where I usually am when I'm supposed to be working. (Read more...)

Give America a Piece of Your Mind

Posted October 5, 2008

There is nothing like a political campaign to remind us all of one of the solemn responsibilities of American citizenship. Participating in opinion polls. (Read more...)

If Anyone Asks, You Never Saw This

Posted September 28, 2008

Let me tell you, I am no stranger to conspiracy theories. Only last month, after catching several baristas at my local Starbucks making my decaf Americano with regular coffee, I loudly proclaimed the possibility that this was more than coincidence. (Read more...)

You Know the Drill

Posted September 21, 2008

I am not one to fear a trip to the dentist's office. In fact, I rather look forward to it. The Ozzie and Harriet furnishings. The lilt of elevator music minus the cramped quarters. The chance to leaf through a "National Geographic" and, if the office staff isn't looking, perhaps spirit home a copy that fills in the gap in my 1968 collection. (Read more...)

Your Name Here

Posted September 14, 2008

There comes a time when you have to look yourself in the eye and face up to the fact that you are as materialistic as the next guy, no matter how much you believe your Eddie Bauer jeans and Old Navy sweatshirt make you artistic-looking. So, I'm up for sale. (Read more...)

Thus It Is Written

Posted September 7, 2008

This fall, hundreds of thousands of high school students will attempt to get into a handful of top colleges. These top colleges take their educational role very seriously. as demonstrated by the festive banners they drape across their ivy-covered campuses, welcoming prospective students with the words, "Who Needs You?" (Read more...)

My Own Private (Boise) Idaho

Posted August 31, 2008

There are times when, to ensure that my wife and I share many more years of married bliss, it becomes necessary to put my arm around my her waist, wave a couple of airplane tickets under her nose, and say, "Surprise, honey, we're getting out of the house and visiting one of the great cities in our United States." (Read more...)

Answering the Call

Posted August 24, 2008

Once again, there are signs our civilization is coming to an end. No, I'm not talking about twelve-year-old couples dancing "The Grind." Let those among us whose Uncle Harry didn't dislocate his fourth vertebra snaking under a limbo bar tell other people how to dance. I'm talking about what's happened since public schools across this great land eliminated classes in art history, drama and music appreciation. (Read more...)

I Don't Have All The Answers Only Because There Are Too Many Questions

Posted August 17, 2008

The other day I was trapped in my dentist's office by Olga, a pleasantly large Swedish woman whom my dentist recently hired to work the door after that rash of client defections, inspired in part by that awful business with the hygienist and her Hannibal Lecter fetish. (Read more...)

Inside Outsource

Posted August 10, 2008

Wherever people gather, there is much talk about the popular business practice of outsourcing. This is particularly true when people gather at the unemployment office. These people are in the best position to put the concept of outsourcing into very simple words which, on the radio, could only come out of the mouth of Howard Stern. (Read more...)

Not A Good Sign

Posted August 3, 2008

If you're traveling this summer, you're about to become the beneficiary of a failed policy that allows just about anybody to declare himself a signage expert with absolutely no government oversight. I find this shocking. You need a license to drive a car, but just about any idiot who's ever owned a sheet of paper and some felt markers can set up shop as a signage expert and begin advising on the proper location of signs in public places such as airports. (Read more...)

When It Comes to Death Defying, I'll Stick With the Flying Wallendas

Posted July 27, 2008

I am often asked what is the secret for living a long life. In order to research this question I took a (tax-deductible) trip to South Florida. South Florida is an excellent place to research old age because, and this is important to any serious research, South Florida is full of old people. (Proof: It is possible for me to dine in a restaurant and be the youngest person in the room---including the waitresses.) (Read more...)

A Star...Actually Three of Them...Is Born

Posted July 20, 2008

One reason the labels on foods are so complicated and boring is that, every year, fewer authors are choosing food labels as their genre. In my opinion, the blame for this rests solely with the big supermarkets, whose labeling antics have left the consumer with a bad taste in her mouth, not unlike what one experiences when gargling with warm margarine. (Read more...)

The Latest Buzz

Posted July 13, 2008

In the past week I have learned a lot about the birds and the bees. Mostly, I learned that if your house is home to a bee hive you couldn't care less about birds. Or much of anything else. (Read more...)

I H8 2 SA THZ

Posted June 8, 2008

With all the furor over the NSA wiretapping of American citizens, many people are calling this a dark time in American history. I say, "Ha." If you want really dark times, I mean standing in the middle of Nebraska at midnight without a Coleman lantern dark times, nothing beats the 1950s. (Read more...)

Everything I Own Will Soon Be History

Posted June 1, 2008

Spring is in the air (though if you live in a major metropolitan area, what isn't), and, as always, spring ushers in that most stressful time of year. (Read more...)

Sometimes I'm Up, Sometimes I'm Down

Posted May 25, 2008

I am an over-educated, underemployed, over-informed, under-sexed, over-aged, average-aged, under-aged member of this great country of ours. Don't take my word for it. Ask the government. (Read more...)

Actions Speak Louder Than Words So To Be On The Safe Side Just Speak The Words

Posted May 18, 2008

Christopher L. from Naperville, Illinois writes, "I have in front of me an anniversary card for my wife and I want to write something personal on it. As a professional writer, do you have any suggestions?" Yes. Re-read the card, absorb the sentiment, pick up your pen, and this is the important part, write ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. If the card says "To My Wife..." on the front you may be able to get by without even signing your name. So much the better. (Read more...)

Google-itis

Posted May 11, 2008

I am not a hypochondriac. I want make this clear from the beginning. It's just that if something is wrong with me, not that there is, but the odds are good, then I want it diagnosed by a doctor because only a doctor can guarantee that my complaints, not that I have any, are real and serious enough to get sympathy from my wife, not that she's cold and uncaring, which she isn't. (Read more...)

Confessions of a Party Animal

May 4, 2008

I am often asked why I am able to enjoy myself at holiday parties while most people avoid them like...well, like holiday parties. I'm not talking about harmless little office parties, where the worst thing that happens is someone gets drunk and makes a harmless pass at the boss's spouse and then gets harmlessly fired. I'm talking about holiday parties like the one I went to this past season. (Read more...)

To Save the Planet Be Prepared to Endure Some Growing Pains

Posted April 27, 2008

Rose bushes? Too elitist. Lawns? Not green enough. As this year's Earth Week draws to a close, I think we should salute all those backyard environmentalists who, like me, have abandoned traditional landscaping and given over their yard to growing that incredible natural resource, bamboo. Whether they want to or not. (Read more...)

I Solemnly Swear

Posted April 20, 2008

A musical riff of "Hail to the Chief" as a Presidential motorcade winds it way through the streets of our nation's capital. Inside the lead car are President Bush, the Attorney General, Michael B. Mukasey, and a bunch of Secret Service guards. (Read more...)

Where the Customer is King...and Also a Second Cousin

Posted April 13, 2008

My wife's car finally reached that age when, as cars do, it started falling apart. This age varies from model to model, but generally it can be described as "the day the warranty expires" plus one. So, we bought her a new car. Buying a new car is an experience unrivaled in the annals of American life, unless you've had a root canal and your doctor missed the class on the importance of anesthetic. (Read more...)

Please Don't Help the Self-Help Machine

Posted April 6, 2008

Pick the one that doesn't belong: skydiving without a parachute; botulism poisoning; home repair. Right. It's home repair. All three are painful, but if you're lucky the first two will kill you before you suffer too much. (Read more...)

Please, No Applause

Posted March 30, 2008

The other night I accompanied my wife to a dinner reception for a group of people that just finished working on a VERY SERIOUS PROJECT. The dinner was a reward for all their efforts, much of which consisted of working twenty hours a day, seven days a week, for so many months that several participants went through all 20,000 of the songs on their iPods. (Read more...)

Television Enters a New Age --- Puberty

Posted March 23, 2008

Today we celebrate our hormones. Hormones are our body's chemical messengers. This is the scientifically recognized definition, except in the State of New York where hormone has a slightly different meaning. It is a universal fact, however, that everything we do is controlled by hormones. (Read more...)