Posted July 27, 2008

I am often asked what is the secret for living a long life. In order to research this question I took a (tax-deductible) trip to South Florida. South Florida is an excellent place to research old age because, and this is important to any serious research, South Florida is full of old people. (Proof: It is possible for me to dine in a restaurant and be the youngest person in the room---including the waitresses.)

After spending a week living with and speaking to many fine senior citizens, at least one of whom was not a relative (a serious research standard having nothing to do with tax deductibility I assure you) I was told hundreds of times that the way to live a long life is to do everything possible to avoid dying. This includes daily exercise, such as striding briskly to the bathroom once an hour to check your reflection in the mirror.

But what I was told most often, besides somebody had a single daughter I should meet, was to do something every day to get your heart pumping.

That is why, when they are not driving on median strips or making a right turn from the left lane of a supermarket aisle, South Floridians are actively engaged in what I can say, without hesitation, is our next Olympic sport.

Competitive complaining.

This has become popular because people come from all over the country to live in South Florida and escape their problems. This does not work, however, because they find they are still visited by their problems, only now these problems bring the grandchildren.

Where some people might see the glass half full and other people might see the glass half empty, the people I spoke to, during tax-deductible lunches, point out that, either way, someone has to wash the glass.

For example, a party of four walks into a restaurant and the hostess shows them to a table. Instantly, there are seven different opinions why this table is unsatisfactory,

SHIRLEY: It's right by the door. Everybody who walks by, they'll know what I'm eating. Let's move over there.

EDNA: It's too close to the kitchen. Let's move over there.

MY MOM: That's too close to the bathroom. You think I want to know everybody's business? What do you think, Jay?

ME: Anywhere. It's not the Ritz.

MY MOM: You're right. (to the hostess) Do you have a table closer to the Ritz?

When Competitive Complaining is played in a restaurant, the loser has to divide up the lunch check.

ME: Who had the brisket?

EDNA: I had the borscht.

ME: The borscht was $5.95.

EDNA: It wasn't worth $5.95. I'll give you $3.00.

MY MOM: The brisket isn't worth $6.50.

ME: Mom, you didn't have the brisket.

MOM: At $6.50 who can afford brisket?

(Note to IRS: My share of the $27.18 check came to $33.12. And I had to wash the glasses.)

Another thing I discovered over a tax-deductible meeting at Starbucks was that none of my interview subjects could go three minutes without mentioning how sick they were.

I call this behavior "Competitive Complaining --- The Bonus Round."

The object is to prove yourself the player most likely to die before the others, but only after enduring lingering suffering from an illness that can often be cured in an hour by House.

Players pursue this goal vigorously, though personally I have to admit it is the sort of contest I wouldn't want to win.

Direct references to one's illness are frowned upon, and can result in a player being disqualified for a duration lasting from a few minutes until after the funeral. Instead, a player makes it appear that another player began the topic. This is usually done by uttering the phrase, "You think that's bad?"

EDNA: You think that's bad? The doctor told me I have lupus and I'm in for a lifetime of pain.

SHIRLEY: You think that's bad? I have gingivitis. I'm in for a lifetime of pain and nothing but soft foods.

EDNA: At least you can eat. They're going to remove my colon. I'm going to have to give up eating.

MY MOM: Me, too. At $6.50 who can afford brisket?

(Note to IRS: $6.50 for brisket plus tax and tip.)

As required by the principles of good research, not to mention my accountant, I am now prepared to summarize my findings. The secret to longevity can be found by spending a week with these fine residents of South Florida.

Trust me. It will be the longest week of your life.

©2008 Jay Douglas