Posted November 16, 2008

Today I would like to talk about sex.

No, the other kind, as in the equality of the sexes.

Because when it comes to the sexes, nothing is more important than treating women the same as men. This has been amply demonstrated by the New York City subway system, where for nearly a century, men and women have ridden as equals boldly standing shoulder to shoulder.

Especially during rush hour. (Slogan: Equality for women. Let 'em stand, too.)

Tampering with this time-honored tradition can have severe repercussions, as can be demonstrated by performing a simple, hypothetical experiment.

Suppose, hypothetically, my wife and I are shopping in New York City when, hypothetically, a great rainstorm develops and, instead of taking a hypothetically expensive taxi back to our hotel, one of us decides to take the subway because the trip has already cost me a fortune.

Once on the subway, suppose, hypothetically, my wife is offered a seat by a nice, young man (this is the way the police report would have described him if my wife had hypothetically acted on her first impulse and strangled him).

Hypothetically, of course, my wife would decline the offer.

But, the nice, young man in the experiment might insist my wife sit down because she is carrying a package, which, let us say for the sake of argument, is a white, plastic bag containing two t-shirts, and not her purse, which most major airlines would consider a second piece of checked luggage.

The nice, young man very hypothetically stands up. My wife does not sit because she is not old, not even hypothetically.

Whereupon, for the purpose of this experiment, a young woman nearby concludes that my wife does not, hypothetically, want THAT seat, so she stands and offers my wife hers.

It is entirely possible, again for the purpose of this experiment, that my wife ignores this young lady, and so a third rider stands and offers my wife yet another seat.

Hypothetically, my wife might scowl at this person, which in New York-ese means "Thank you," as in "Thank you for not minding your own business."

From a purely objective viewpoint, we would have a situation in which my wife might feel she is being treated unequally and being offered a seat because she is a woman, because she is carrying a package and because, and I am stating this purely in the context of this experiment and not because it has any scientific validity whatsoever, because to these subway riders whom, one can certainly argue, need to get out in the sunlight more, she looks old---ish.

In such an experiment, what might a reasonable person, including my wife, do? Hypothetically, of course.

She might possibly look at her husband for help, but he would most likely have positioned himself, in the interests of science, on the opposite side of the subway car to avoid affecting the experiment in any way (especially once the first nice, young man offered up his seat).

In order to keep from interfering, and I am making assumptions here based on my years of research experience during which I played the role of a husband, the husband would, possibly, bite his tongue as hard as he could to keep from laughing.

Which, also in the interests of science, he would do ho matter how much it hurt, and even if he also had to dig his fingernails into the palms of his hands.

My wife might also, hypothetically, relent and sit down, realizing that if she didn't, the entire car would soon be standing in two lines like the Radio City Musical Hall Rockettes.

And she might, for the purposes of this experiment, shoot me a look that meant, "You said I looked cute in tinted granny glasses." This is especially possible if my wife were to notice that, although she is younger than I am, nobody was offering me a seat.

What might be the outcome of such an experiment?

Hypothetically, it is entirely possible that I would have to accompany my wife on a shopping trip to New York's Upper East Side (Motto: Cash, check or first born?) where she would go to a trendy clothing store full of young people and buy three pairs of skinny, designer jeans. Then to a hip salon full of young people for a new hairdo. And finally to a popular restaurant full of young people where she would order a Happy Meal.

Thus, as this hypothetical experiment demonstrates, treating a female subway rider differently, based solely on her sex, and possibly the color of her granny glasses, can cost her husband plenty, even though none of this was his fault.

It also demonstrates that next time, take a taxi.

©2008 Jay Douglas