Posted January 4, 2009

With our economy in turmoil and the value of the dollar falling (or rising, I'm not sure which but it is moving in a direction that seems to be very bad for everyone except those who know the difference between falling and rising), there are reports that more tourists will be visiting our country.

This is because their money goes further, which means they are able to buy things here more cheaply than at home. Of course, half the things they buy here are things they would never buy at home, but the point is they can have them, even if they don't want them, for a steal.

One made-in-America item that seems to be in demand these days is dinner in the home of a typical American family. I think we should encourage this, since typical American families may be all that's left in this country that can't be easily outsourced.

According to the New Yorker magazine, Japanese families frequently request this experience, but the Japanese Tourist Board cannot find New Yorkers willing to entertain tourists, even though the Board will cater and pay for the dinner. (A catered dinner is apparently what the typical New Yorker enjoys these days, though I suspect not for long.) This is certainly not the New York I know, where the natives are quick to entertain tourists, three-card Monte and ten-dollar Rolex wristwatches being the primary forms. I suspect the Board is being too selective.

On the other hand, perhaps New Yorkers know what they are doing. I can only cringe at the thought of some ordinary tourists, here to absorb American life, stumbling into a dinner with a typical American family, especially a typical American family made up of typical American in-laws.

(Important Note: The in-laws depicted are based on painstaking research and not at all based on painstaking from anyone I know, especially my wife's family.)

(The curtain rises on a typical American family gathered in a typical American living room in a typical American home in a typical American city in a typical American work of fiction. Outside, the winter weather threatens, but the family, being typical Americans, threatens back. There is Harriet, mother of Jane and mother-in-law of Jane's husband Dick. Also present are Jane's two sisters, Stacy and Louise, and their husbands, Harvey and Earl. They are joined by two typical tourists, Taka and Tomoko, who are trying to start a game of three-card Monte by folding pages of their guidebook into the Ace of Spades, Jack of Spades and Jack of Clubs. Not present are Dick and Jane who, although this is their tale, are contractually obligated to appear in another story at the local elementary school.)

HARRIET: I need a quart of milk for the macaroni and Cheez Whiz.

LOUISE: Earl, go to the supermarket.

EARL: Ernie's is closer.

LOUISE: You're going to buy milk at a liquor store?

STACY: I've got milk at home.

HARRIET: If it wouldn't be too much trouble.

STACY: Not at all, Mom.

HARRIET: I just thought that, maybe, an hour's drive each way...

STACY: Harvey loves to drive, don't you, Harvey?

HARVEY: Yeah. Sure.

LOUISE: Is Harvey still drinking from the container?

STACY: Not as much.

(The stage goes dark. Out of respect for their guests, the family pretends not to notice. A spotlight appears on Taka and Tomoko. He reads to her from their guidebook.)

TAKA: Do not be alarmed. All that has been decided is someone needs to get the milk. Who will get the milk is a special honor, described by the American word "inconvenience."

(The lights come back on.)

LOUISE: Earl will go.

STACY: Harvey, move the car. You're probably blocking Earl in.

EARL: Harvey's parked on the street.

HARRIET: Why did you do that, dear?

STACY: So he can leave early. Harvey always leaves early.

LOUISE: Mom, make her stop.

EARL: I'll get my keys.

HARRIET: This seems like such an inconvenience.

EARL: Not at all.

HARRIET: Then maybe Harvey should go.

HARVEY: Yeah. Sure.

(The lights go out and a spotlight appears on Taka and Tomoko. He reads to her from their guidebook.)

TAKA: Do not worry that, by not offering to make the trip, you will be considered rude and insensitive. Americans rarely honor their guests on their first visit.

(The lights go on.)

HARRIET: This is very nice of you.

HARVEY: Yeah. Sure.

HARRIET: You know how to get there?

STACY: He knows, Mom.

HARRIET: I was just making conversation.

STACY: It's Third and Main.

LOUISE: Oh, he's going to the old store?

STACY: Mom, make her stop.

LOUISE: Ernie's moved. The new store is on Broad Street.

HARRIET: Let him go where he wants. If he doesn't come back we'll know he's just lost. Better than being stranded in the snow somewhere, freezing to death.

LOUISE: Is it snowing?

HARRIET: I'm just thinking out loud.

LOUISE: You go down to Stuart Street and turn right.

STACY: Since when can you turn right on Stuart Street?

EARL: Take Foothill Boulevard.

STACY: To where?

EARL: Stuart Street.

STACY: You still can't turn right on Stuart Street.

EARL: But you can turn right on Foothill Boulevard.

(Here the action takes an unscheduled intermission while the participants, caught up in the realism, debate the route for an hour. It will be the job of Taka and Tomoko to round up the audience in time for the story to continue before everyone is snowed in.)

EARL: Take my car. It has a GPS.

(This will probably be the first opportunity for the audience to experience rounds of joyful laughter. As any American knows, any route selected by a computer is the work of the devil or, if the devil does not exist in his or her religion, Howie Mandel.)

TAKA (adoringly to his wife): Find the Ace of Spades lovely lady. Ten dollars.

(Tomoko picks the Ace of Spades out of the three guidebook pages Taka has spread on the dining room table. Taka gives her his Rolex wristwatch.)

STACY: That looks easy.

LOUISE: Harvey can do it every time.

HARVEY: Yeah. Sure.

(In short order, Taka wins enough money to take the family out for sushi. He does not volunteer to drive and he does not ask for directions. The curtain falls.)

©2009 Jay Douglas. All Rights Reserved.