Posted May 25, 2008

I am an over-educated, underemployed, over-informed, under-sexed, over-aged, average-aged, under-aged member of this great country of ours.

Don't take my word for it. Ask the government.

Yes, our government.

Especially the various government agencies entrusted with the sacred duty of keeping lists of these sorts of things.

Only yesterday, thanks to Google, I learned I'm in the bottom .001 percent of earthworm farmers, something I warned my parents would come back to haunt me while I grew up surrounded by the concrete sidewalks of the Bronx.

On the bright side, I am in the top 99.9 percent of the list of non-earthworm farmers. Being at the top of this list balances out being at the bottom of the other, which goes a long way towards relieving my list anxiety. It seems on the list of people afraid they are buried someplace on the wrong list, I'm in the upper quarter.

Being on the wrong list means never knowing what people think of you. Every day I fear I will find my name on a Victoria's Secret catalog or, worse, a membership application from the AARP.

Clearly, this calls for immediate action. (Unless you are high on the list of procrastinators, in which case feel free to read the rest of this column next leap day.)

First, figure out what it is that's good and bad about you. This will take a lot of soul-searching, and may require some mechanical accessories. For instance, you can easily measure your own body fat with a bathtub, a pair of pliers and some dental floss. You should have these around the house. If not, you are low on the list of people well-equipped to measure body fat. Go out and purchase this equipment and you will move high up on the list with just that simple action.

Feel that anxiety melting away? I told you.

Next, study your list and determine (1) those areas which, if you made minor changes to them, would get you on the right lists and (2) whether it's worth giving up sour cream 'n' chive potato chips just to feel good about yourself on some stupid list.

Research shows that most people will find themselves at the top of the second list. In fact, there are several million people tied for first on this list, which is going to make it hard to distinguish yourself. Here you are at the top of a list, and no one is impressed because they're all up there with you. Meanwhile, you're creeping up the list-anxiety list again.

What you want is to be at the top of the right list. All by yourself. But, look at you. You can't even make it as an earthworm farmer. Face it. You're a failure. What are your chances of ever being number one?

Well, thank your lucky stars you are reading this. (Scientific surveys show that, as a reader of this column you are very close to the top of the list of people reading this column. Keep it up and you could be number one and all alone.)

Get yourself a Web site. If you don't know how to do this, find yourself a 12-year-old neighborhood kid. They are high on the list of people who know more about computers than you do.

Fill your Web site with those lists of things you're good at. Do this carefully and you will shoot to the top of all your lists simultaneously.

Do you chew your food thoroughly and brag about it? There's your first list. The list of people who masticate hundreds of thousands of times a day and are willing to admit to it.

It doesn't get much simpler than that.

Andy Warhol once said everyone will have 15 minutes of fame. With my simple self-help plan, you will be number one forever.

Don't forget to start a list for that.