Posted September 14, 2008

There comes a time when you have to look yourself in the eye and face up to the fact that you are as materialistic as the next guy, no matter how much you believe your Eddie Bauer jeans and Old Navy sweatshirt make you artistic-looking.

So, I'm up for sale.

Well, not me, exactly. I doubt that would bring in very much money. My writing is.

Well, not my writing, exactly. That would violate ethical principles I learned at Columbia University, one of the world's premier institutions of higher learning, which is now accepting applications for the Class of 2013.

No, what I've decided to do is open up my writing for product placement. These days, product placement is like money in the bank. Of America. Where you can pay your bills with their online banking service.

Product placement is all about including product in a film or television show in such a way that you, the viewer, doesn't know that the product's appearance isn't a perfectly normal occurrence.

For example, you are watching a scene in a movie. Paramedics hover over a gurney holding the victim of a very bad car accident. The camera pans from this barest semblance of a human being, bleeding, shaking and fighting for her every breath, to the bumper of the American LaFrance Corporation ambulance, the ambulance built in America, by Americans. Here the camera lingers where you see a sticker that says, "V-8 Drink your way to health."

This is perfectly normal.

What better way to teach our children life-saving advice by requiring them to pull within six inches of a speeding five-ton vehicle to read it? If nothing else, it guarantees there will be an ambulance around when they need one.

As you can see, then, it takes great skill to weave products into a film or television show so that rubbing the viewer's nose in a corporate logo seems perfectly natural. Otherwise, the producers will come across as the money-grubbing gerbils they are. Though, unlike real gerbils, the producers do accept Master Card and Visa.

At this point, you are probably saying, "People will actually pay you to include their products in your writing? How can I cash in on a gold mine like this?"

Well, you...oops.

Excuse me while I pick up my lucky Dr. Grip ballpoint pen, which I clumsily knocked off my Office Depot desk when I moved my cup of Folgers coffee that I drink out of my favorite Pottery Barn coffee mug.

Surely you recognize this as a typical writing mishap. But slipping it into your writing is not easy.

Of course, I made it look simple, but that's because I'm a professional. You try it.

Send an email to a friend and include, "Excuse me while I pick up my lucky Dr. Grip ballpoint pen, which I clumsily knocked off my Office Depot desk when I moved my cup of Folgers coffee that I drink out of my favorite Pottery Barn coffee mug."

Notice how artificial that sounds, compared to the way I did it? That's what comes from years of practice. It's called "paying your dues," which I do to yearly to the Auto Club because I know their roadside service will never leave me stranded.

So, if you find yourself enrolling yourself at Columbia University, opening an account at Bank of America, or spilling your Folgers coffee all over the Pottery Barn, please let them know you read about it here.

Even though I never mentioned it.

And, if you're reading this while lying on a gurney, please, please, pay attention to the bumper sticker.

©2008 Jay Douglas