Posted November 2, 2008

In these historic times, let us take a moment to reflect on what makes the American way of life possible which, as any school child knows, is text messaging.

No, I'm only kidding.

It is our Constitution. The Constitution establishes our government and without our government we, the people, would be responsible for doing some pretty disgusting jobs.

In fact, some of these jobs are so disgusting that the framers of the Constitution were scared they would be stuck with them. So, after days filled with much yelling and shouting, most of which sounded like "Down the hatch," and "Hiccup," the framers created the tenth amendment which, in the words of many distinguished Constitutional scholars, foisted these jobs off on the states.

That is why the Federal government gets to play video games with real airplanes while the states get to remove giant hair balls from sewer pipes.

States also have the job of reminding you that you are getting old.

Since no self-respecting state legislator, and I've asked both of them, would vote for a law called the "Tell People They Are Getting Old Act," states meet this obligation with the cleverly named "Driver's License Renewal Act."

Every few years, you must appear in person at the motor vehicle bureau so that any changes in your weight ("Really, this outfit adds twenty pounds to my thighs.") and hair color ("Gray? No, no, I was painting the ceiling last night.") can be pointed out to you by a real, live state employee.

As if that isn't enough to remind you that time and gravity are against you, you also have to take a vision test and get your picture taken.

No matter how much you reassure yourself that this is only routine, that every year tens of thousands of other drivers go through this process and that they are still on the road, most of them legally, there are always, deep down, two nagging thoughts.

One is that no matter how hard you try, you will wind up carrying around a photo that makes it clear you are no longer in control of your major bodily organs, including your eyelids and your upper lip.

Two, you will fail the vision test.

Let me assure you that your fears are groundless, except for items one and two above.

Unfortunately, it is difficult to study for a vision test. While there are some eye charts available on the Internet, the truth is the only similarity between those charts and the ones in the vision test is that, when viewed from any distance greater than the length of a hangnail, all the letters will look the same.

Thus, you have two choices. You can guess and most likely wind up having to call a friend to drive you home.

Or, you can cheat, though in academic circles this is referred to by it's other name, "test prep."

(Important: I am not telling you to cheat on the vision test. The following information is for amusement purposes only. However, friends of mine who have tried this technique discovered that the motor vehicle bureau was not amused.)

Test prep requires you to inconspicuously lean forward and squint at the eye charts hanging over the examiner's head while you both memorize the letters and carry on a leisurely conversation.

It helps if you distract the examiner by giving yourself a reason to appear reluctant to make eye contact.

EXAMINER: You can use the counter to write your check.

YOU: Thank you, but I prefer it this way.

EXAMINER: Holding your checkbook up in the air while squinting at it?

YOU: It's my new pen. Writes in any position.

EXAMINER: Say, you aren't trying to memorize the eye chart, are you?

YOU: B-F-P-Z-G

EXAMINER: What?

YOU: I mean N-O.

Even if you pass the vision test, there is still the new picture.

The object here is for you to come away with a photograph that does not look like it was the love child of Salvador Dali and Photoshop.

I will tell you now the odds are against you.

This is because states use smart digital cameras which, and I've seen this happen, know the exact moment when you have a goofy expression on your face. And then it's

***FLASH***

These cameras have infinite patience and can afford to wait forever for their moment, mainly because they are built by Chicago Cubs fans. So the longer you stand in front of the camera, the longer it will wait, blinking its little red light, blinking...blinking...blinking....

This is especially true if you spent the previous night rehearsing your look and you step up to the camera with your smile frozen on your face. All you will do is anger the clerk taking your picture who, it turns out, is on the camera's side.

CLERK: Next.

YOU: (through your frozen smile) Ha-lo.

CLERK: Try to relax.

YOU: I N E Laxed.

CAMERA: blink...blink...blink...

CLERK: Do you see the blinking red light?

YOU: Ess.

CLERK: You are getting sleepy.

YOU: Ot?

CLERK: Very sleepy.

YOU: I kent eep my eyes op...

***FLASH***

CLERK: Next.

At this point, you have helped the state successfully fulfill its obligation to you as prescribed by law.

And the next time your kids ask you what it is that makes this country great, you can tell them of the important role played by the states under the Constitution.

Better yet, text it to them.

©2008 Jay Douglas