Posted December 28, 2008

Once again, as we prepare to ring in the New Year, it is time to gather with friends, lift glasses of good cheer and celebrate a tradition that binds us all together.

Pretending we know the words to Auld Lang Syne.

After which we celebrate that second great holiday tradition, breaking our New Year's resolutions.

You might think that breaking resolutions is not worth celebrating because it is a fundamental law of nature dating back to amoebas. This is probably true. However, nobody knows for sure because amoebas were very poor record keepers.

AMOEBA 1: You should write that down.

AMOEBA 2: No time. I've got to split.

(This is a very old joke among amoebas and is used by permission.)

The earliest references we have to New Year's resolutions are found in reports from early Rome. According to ancient history, the Romans invented the idea of New Year's in 153 B.C., although, like all ancient history, this date may be off by a week or two. That year, the Romans put the god Janus at the start of their calendar, leading many historians to suggest that, despite all their advances in science and the arts, the Romans did not invent the pin-up girl.

(Theory: 153 B.C. was before Hugh Hefner.)

(Alternate Theory: Not so.)

Janus had two faces, and the Romans believed this gave the god special powers to look forward and backward so that, on New Year's Eve, Janus was able to see the old year and the new year at the same time. To get Janus to look favorably upon them, the Romans would gather in their town squares and resolve to give up vices such as smoking, drinking, overeating and squandering money.

Then, somebody would yell "Toga," and the crowd would collapse in a partying frenzy, during which everyone would smoke, drink and gorge themselves on food, blowing CC dollars per person on a meal that four hours earlier cost IX.XCV, tops.

To make Janus forget their earlier promises, citizens blew horns and littered the streets with last year's losing Circus Maximus tickets, escaping recrimination by donning disguises of funny hats or, in some extreme cases, lamp shades.

The revelry successfully confused Janus who, for at least a month, couldn't figure out what year he was looking at. Today, we recreate Janus's plight by writing the wrong year on our checks during the month of January, a month whose very name means, "Just cross that out and initial the change."

So you can see, not keeping your New Year's resolutions does not make you a loser, but rather the follower of a grand tradition that has its roots in debauchery, plundering and the occasional throwing of a prisoner to the lions. It may not seem that way right now, but someday you will be proud to tell this to your grandchildren.

In our modern era, many people are afraid to make New Year's resolutions out of an irrational fear that, through no fault of their own, they might wind up keeping them. If this describes you then relax because you have something that ancient Romans didn't.

You have science on your side.

By carefully choosing a random sample of people, mostly made up of those who are home alone on New Year's Eve answering their telephones, scientists have discovered that the total number of people who actually keep their New Year's resolutions is so astoundingly small that when written on a typical sheet of paper the number is less than the width of a human hair.

And should you find yourself in danger of actually keeping a resolution you can take advantage of exciting new scientific research that concludes, and you might want to write this down for future reference, men and women are different. (This research was done at a university, so it is far more reliable than anything you might have learned in, say, an alley.)

Women, for example, approach New Year's resolutions in a logical, rational way, frequently enlisting the aid of their friends and families.

WOMAN: You know those 20 pounds I've been complaining about? This is the year.

FRIEND 1: Oh, girl, you have inspired me. Put me down for 10 off of my hips. And no more chocolate for us.

FRIEND 2: I've got these 5 pounds I've been trying to dump for-ev-er. Salads all around.

WOMAN: Aw, you guys are the best.

At times like these, it is imperative that you expand your support group.

WOMAN: Look. Six months and I've kept the weight off.

MOTHER: Don't count on it. In a lot of ways you take after your Aunt Shirley, who's always been a blimp.

Men, on the other hand, approach their resolutions in commando fashion, using the same manly tactics they honed in the schoolyard.

MAN: I'm gonna give up smoking.

FRIEND: Yeah?

MAN: Yeah.

FRIEND: I dare you.

MAN: I am.

FRIEND: I double dare you.

MAN: I'm gonna do it now.

FRIEND: Are not.

MAN: Are too.

FRIEND: Sissy.

This will continue long enough so that most men are never really be in danger of keeping their resolutions, although they will probably miss hearing the recess bell and wind up being punished for smoking during detention.

So this New Year's Eve, go bravely forward knowing any resolutions you mistakenly make will have the scientifically supported duration of a bat hiccup.

Just to be on the safe side though, when the clock strikes midnight you might want to yell "Toga."

©2008 Jay Douglas. All Rights Reserved.