Posted April 27, 2008

Rose bushes? Too elitist. Lawns? Not green enough.

As this year's Earth Week draws to a close, I think we should salute all those backyard environmentalists who, like me, have abandoned traditional landscaping and given over their yard to growing that incredible natural resource, bamboo.

Whether they want to or not.

If you have ever tried to rid yourself of bamboo, you know you would have better luck setting your sights on a more achievable goal, say bringing about world peace in time for the eleven o'clock news.

While other plants serve many useful purposes, such as feeding butterflies, providing homes for birds and perfuming the air, bamboo is far more focused. It has one goal, and that is to dominate the globe. Except for Antarctica. Once bamboo gets onto your property, it takes over everything but the mortgage.

To understand this, you need to know a little about this remarkable plant that scientists have declared has the all the characteristics of a real-life Triffid. Without the compassion.

Although some people believe, mistakenly, that it comes from China, bamboo comes from, of all places, your neighbor's yard. Exactly why your neighbor planted it may always be a mystery. However, one thing you can be sure of. Your neighbor is crazy.

This is probably not what your neighbor was thinking. There's a good chance he was thinking, "If I plant some bamboo then one day I will have a mature bamboo fence that will block the sight of my neighbor's ugly house."

Of course, he will have to wait for the bamboo to mature and reach a decent height, say ten or twelve feet, so "one day" is an exaggeration. If he plants his bamboo when the weather starts turning warm, say late April in most of the country, he will not be able to enjoy his fence much before noon at the earliest.

Meanwhile, you, too, are about to enjoy a miracle of landscaping. Hardy plants, growing inches from your house, that do not need water, fertilizer, mowing, pruning or any kind of care whatsoever.

In other words, a forest.

You might ask that if we can put a man on the moon, surely there is something that we can do when faced with a visit from fastest-growing life form on Earth.

First, let me emphasize that there is no need to panic, even though we haven't managed to put a man on the moon for nearly 40 years. Although bamboo can grow 47.6 inches---straight up---in a day, reach heights of 250 feet and send out shoots at distances of several yards, act quickly and you can still sell your house. If you can get a short escrow.

Failing in that, modern science does offer us many solutions. One involves removing any bamboo roots or runners coming into your yard. Pruning shears are useful for this task. Also, pickaxes, hand shovels, steam shovels, trenchers and an evil spell.

A second method involves physically restraining the encroaching plants. Simple, escape proof barriers are the best. Try surrounding the bamboo with a Federal prison.

Any roots that manage to escape incarceration need to be dug up. If that isn't practical, you can use an alternate method, which requires that you knock over any new shoots for, and this is important when planning your personal life, the NEXT FEW YEARS. The American Bamboo Society's Web site assures us that, if you follow these instructions, the bamboo will die.

Eventually.

You should know, however, that bamboo flowers once every 60 to a 120 years, so its idea of eventually and yours may vary.

In extreme cases, you can use chemical methods involving herbicides. Naturally, most homeowners are hesitant to use blanket their yards with toxic chemicals, especially since the most effective herbicide is dynamite, which requires extra care around children, small pets and large patio windows.

On the other hand, you can choose to do what many homeowners have done and live in harmony with bamboo. You do this by declaring yourself an environmentalist and pretending that you are growing bamboo because it is one of the great natural resources for saving the planet. Point out that you can make just about anything from bamboo, from flooring to clothing to metal sculpture.

(Little Known Fact: The Statue of Liberty was the gift of a French nation grateful the United States would take two hundred twenty-five tons of bamboo off its hands, which it acquired in a border dispute with Germany. This is why the assembly instructions for the statue included the words "water daily.")

Now you can sit on your patio and admire your part in saving the world, as you whack away with your machete and gaze longingly at where your rose bushes used to be.

©2008 Jay Douglas