Posted April 20, 2008

A musical riff of "Hail to the Chief" as a Presidential motorcade winds it way through the streets of our nation's capital. Inside the lead car are President Bush, the Attorney General, Michael B. Mukasey, and a bunch of Secret Service guards.

President: Stop the motorcade. Stop the motorcade.

Radios crackle as Secret Service agents cry out, "The eagle is stopping. The eagle is stopping."

Mukasey: What is it, Mr. President?

President: That man. Over there.

Mukasey: In the brown jacket?

President: He's on a cell phone.

Mukasey: I see that, Sir.

President: He looks al Qaeda to me. What's he look like to you, Mike?

Mukasey: A Parks Service policeman.

President: Don't let the disguise fool you. He's al Qaeda, all right. Call up the NSA and have them eavesdrop on his telephone.

Mukasey: Begging your pardon, Sir, but between you and me, I think you need a warrant first.

President: You're not still reading those New York Times stories, are you?

Mukasey: A man on the subway next to me. The paper was open. It was an accident.

President: Okay, give me your handkerchief and I'll write out a warrant.

Mukasey: You can't exactly do that, Sir.

President: I most certainly can. Laura gave me this Sharpie pen. It writes on anything.

Mukasey: The executive branch can't issue warrants.

President: If it means winning the war on terror, the Congress and the Constitution give me the power to write up a warrant. Besides, it's just a warrant, Mike. It's not like it's a tax cut or anything.

Mukasey: I think you'll find that only a judge can issue a warrant, Sir.

President: Sounds like another of Cheney's dumb ideas.

Mukasey: It's in the Constitution.

President: You're not reading the Constitution, are you? Okay.

Mukasey: The man on the subway next to me was John Roberts.

President: Okay. Let's play it safe. Swear me in as a judge.

Mukasey: I don't think I can do that, either.

President: 'Course you can. Do you solemnly swear to uphold, blah, blah, blah and so on and so forth, so help you God. You gonna make me write it out for you, Mike? We're at war.

Mukasey: What I mean is, you just can't be a judge. To be a judge, you have to be on a court.

President: The handkerchief, the handkerchief.

Mukasey: What do you have in mind?

President: I'm gonna create a court.

Mukasey: I believe that's reserved for Congress.

President: Not according to the Constitution.

Mukasey: Perhaps if you check with O'Reilly...

President: Powers of war. Forming a court. Article Twelve...

Mukasey: Two. Article Two specifies the president's powers. And it doesn't say anything about creating a court.

President: Really?

Mukasey: And with all due respect, Sir, there is no Article Twelve in the Constitution.

President: Dang it, Mike, we're at war. If we need an Article Twelve, we're going to have an Article Twelve. Do you catch my drift?

Mukasey: I assume I can put a new handkerchief on my expense account.

©2008 Jay Douglas